A 3AM Letter From My Stomach

Dear Danielle,

Hi there. Remember me?

I was starting to think you’d forgotten about me. We haven’t had that much time to talk to each other since you left Thailand. I was starting to miss you cursing at me. I think we lost contact because once you left Thailand you stopped forcing me to try to process MSG constantly. I’m surprised you didn’t figure out sooner that we’re probably allergic to MSG. I mean, I would think you can only blame those many consistent and painful wake-up calls like this one on chili peppers for so long before you start to think that it might be caused by something else, right? I guess not, though, since you didn’t realize MSG allergies existed until your last week in Thailand. Silly girl.

I have been nice to you since you’ve been in Nepal, don’t you think? I sent you back to the bathroom on your last trek because I thought I would prove to you that your suspicions about MSG were right. All those instant-noodle soups loaded with MSG caught up with you (you’re a little slower than I would like to think sometimes) and you finally looked at the ingredients on the noodle package only to find MSG listed.

Now you are probably wondering why I woke you up so early this morning and what you did to deserve more torture. You know what you did, but if I have to spell it out for you I will. You ate too much Dal Bhat at lunch yesterday to be polite to your guide’s wife. You know dal bhat doesn’t sit well with us! Silly girl. I let you know instantly afterwards that you’d done us wrong by bloating you to twice your size and sending you to bed.

I do think a thanks is in order, though. Yesterday, and a few times before, I have been so angry with you that I’ve almost made you throw up, but in the past six months I never once actually made you vomit. I know how much you hate hurling, so I’ve been kind and left it out of the torture package. But, if you continue to treat me poorly, I will reconsider this and throw in a little cookie tossing for a reminder.

A few years ago you named me The Destroyer because of the loud noises I make after you eat or when you haven’t fed me yet. Well let me tell you this, I can be more than the destroyer of food you consume. I will ruin your fun if you disrespect me. I can take a day that’s a 10 and bring it down to a zero so fast it will have you spinning. And I can even choose to do it in inconvenient locations if you are particularly unkind to me!

I am writing this to make sure you are aware that I am punishing you when I send you to the bathroom; don’t think that it’s that I want to educate you on the variety of bathroom styles around the world. And yes, I do think it’s funny when you end up in a bathroom with swarms of mosquitoes. So curse me if you like, I know you will, but remember this: I don’t care what you think about me. Continue to consume unworthy food and I have no problem keeping you locked hovering over a smelly squatter toilet for more time than you find comfortable.

Yours always,

Your Stomach AKA The Destroyer AKA @##!@*F!@%$

P.S. Please send some Cipro my way and I’ll calm down.